Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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