one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
