Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
found the other keg... it's in the tree
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Randomize
