I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
