I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
me + whiskey = a bad person
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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