Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
