You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
