Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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