Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
