I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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