Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
