it's not cheating when I paid for it
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
