After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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