apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Alive.
So much puke
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Sext me about skeletons
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
