I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize