Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
