yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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