If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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