i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
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