how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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