Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
im calling her cock vulture from now on
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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