You're so nebulous sometimes
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
