I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
