I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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