Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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