shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
