Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
