this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize