So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
