You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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