I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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