If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
