I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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