We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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