I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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