I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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