upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
