I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
being pregnant is like rehab
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
