Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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