How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
