Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
