Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
