I'm pants shitting drunk right now
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
being pregnant is like rehab
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
