i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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