Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
