i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
