The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
