Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
