No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
