Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
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