So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
