new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
being pregnant is like rehab
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
