at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Randomize
