Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
