now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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