Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
