cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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