Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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