if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
