I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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