Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
