You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
