Don't make out with my wife yet
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
