Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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