yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
